Death has become a subject many adults are afraid to talk about. To the Victorians, who would have been shocked by today's liberal attitude to sex, our approach to dealing with death would be unfathomable. Our reluctance to deal with death head on can have an extremely detrimental effect on our youngsters and children, which could ultimately lead to mental health problems in later life.
Dove House Hospice is setting out to deal with these issues by hosting an international conference in Hull. The conference will allow those dealing with children on a regular basis to hone their skills and experience to better care for children through the loss process.
Dove House Hospice's fifth international conference - Children and Loss: Time to Listen - will take place at Hull Truck Theatre on Friday, June 18. The hospice will draw on its considerable experience working with schools and other organisations to stage the latest conference as part of its public health programme.
The conference aims to guide schools, universities and other education providers, as well as those working with children in the wider community from the clergy to learning mentors and school support staff, to introduce issues surrounding death and dying, grief and loss at an earlier age, enabling them to support children when they need it most.
Nic MacManus, head of practise development at Dove House Hospice, believes society's reluctance to face up to individual mortality can have a negative impact on children, excluding them from the grieving process.
"Children are often excluded from the bereavement process because their parents or the adults around them are themselves uncomfortable discussing death," says Nic. "Youngsters might want to talk to someone, but feel unable to because of the atmosphere around them."
"In the past death was regarded as a normal part of family life. However, with more and more people dying in hospital, children are often shielded from bereavement in a misguided attempt to protect them from pain."
"In the past children were included in the experience of death in ways that might be considered distasteful now," he says. "For example, having children carry the coffin or see the body of a deceased relative was quite common and allowed children to engage in the grief the family was feeling."
"The fact is, as much as parents and adults would like to protect them, children must face emotions like grief and disappointment at some point in their lives"
He draws comparisons with what he calls "the goldfish test." "Do we swap the dead goldfish for another one to protect the children or do we use it as a chance to talk about loss?" he questions. "Part of our ethos is that we want people to feel comfortable talking about death and dying and, from our experience, children are very resilient and they will adapt to situations.
"By not talking to children or letting them express their own emotions, children can imagine something connected with death which isn't true, meaning they are left frightened or misinformed about things which aren't actually true and that can be much more damaging.
"By not giving them the information they need when they suffer loss, it can make it more difficult for them to deal with some of their emotions. We can tell them it's okay to feel angry or upset and that it's okay to talk about things. If we don't involve a child, it may be that they end up thinking something awful is happening to them because of the way they are feeling."
Discussions at the conference will aim to help attendees feel comfortable in discussing death with children and give them an insight into the experience of losing a parent when young. It will also examine the importance of being proactive when it comes to speaking with children, rather than reactive, and how this can prevent damaging behaviour which may occur later in life if the child is excluded from the grieving process. There will also be opportunities to 'network' with the other professionals present and exchange methods on how to best support children as they try to cope with death.
Speakers at the conference are to include Brenda Mallon, who is a counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in bereavement; team leader for Minority Ethnic Achievement at Hull's Children and Young People's Services, Sukhwant Kaur; and Alison Penny, co-ordinator of the Childhood Bereavement Network. Specific talks will include "How you can help children and young people who experience loss", "Grief matters for children in school" and "A child's perception of immigration from India to the UK", which discusses the issue of culture loss and the lack of sense of belonging caused by such a move.
Dove House Hospice is setting out to deal with these issues by hosting an international conference in Hull. The conference will allow those dealing with children on a regular basis to hone their skills and experience to better care for children through the loss process.
Dove House Hospice's fifth international conference - Children and Loss: Time to Listen - will take place at Hull Truck Theatre on Friday, June 18. The hospice will draw on its considerable experience working with schools and other organisations to stage the latest conference as part of its public health programme.
The conference aims to guide schools, universities and other education providers, as well as those working with children in the wider community from the clergy to learning mentors and school support staff, to introduce issues surrounding death and dying, grief and loss at an earlier age, enabling them to support children when they need it most.
Nic MacManus, head of practise development at Dove House Hospice, believes society's reluctance to face up to individual mortality can have a negative impact on children, excluding them from the grieving process.
"Children are often excluded from the bereavement process because their parents or the adults around them are themselves uncomfortable discussing death," says Nic. "Youngsters might want to talk to someone, but feel unable to because of the atmosphere around them."
"In the past death was regarded as a normal part of family life. However, with more and more people dying in hospital, children are often shielded from bereavement in a misguided attempt to protect them from pain."
"In the past children were included in the experience of death in ways that might be considered distasteful now," he says. "For example, having children carry the coffin or see the body of a deceased relative was quite common and allowed children to engage in the grief the family was feeling."
"The fact is, as much as parents and adults would like to protect them, children must face emotions like grief and disappointment at some point in their lives"
He draws comparisons with what he calls "the goldfish test." "Do we swap the dead goldfish for another one to protect the children or do we use it as a chance to talk about loss?" he questions. "Part of our ethos is that we want people to feel comfortable talking about death and dying and, from our experience, children are very resilient and they will adapt to situations.
"By not talking to children or letting them express their own emotions, children can imagine something connected with death which isn't true, meaning they are left frightened or misinformed about things which aren't actually true and that can be much more damaging.
"By not giving them the information they need when they suffer loss, it can make it more difficult for them to deal with some of their emotions. We can tell them it's okay to feel angry or upset and that it's okay to talk about things. If we don't involve a child, it may be that they end up thinking something awful is happening to them because of the way they are feeling."
Discussions at the conference will aim to help attendees feel comfortable in discussing death with children and give them an insight into the experience of losing a parent when young. It will also examine the importance of being proactive when it comes to speaking with children, rather than reactive, and how this can prevent damaging behaviour which may occur later in life if the child is excluded from the grieving process. There will also be opportunities to 'network' with the other professionals present and exchange methods on how to best support children as they try to cope with death.
Speakers at the conference are to include Brenda Mallon, who is a counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in bereavement; team leader for Minority Ethnic Achievement at Hull's Children and Young People's Services, Sukhwant Kaur; and Alison Penny, co-ordinator of the Childhood Bereavement Network. Specific talks will include "How you can help children and young people who experience loss", "Grief matters for children in school" and "A child's perception of immigration from India to the UK", which discusses the issue of culture loss and the lack of sense of belonging caused by such a move.
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For additional information on Dove House Hospice's Children and Loss: Time to Listen event or to reserve a place, please visit the Dove House website. A full programme of the event is also available.
